Stop Junk Mail: My Solution Stopped it -- for now
Capital One Small Business Service
P.O. Box 85546
Richmond, VA 23286-8764
September 8, 2005
To whom it may concern:
I have requested a number of times to be removed from your mailing list as your mail is unwelcome and unsolicited.
I have received offers from you at a rate of once a week - that is until I requested to be removed from your mail list via telephone in August of 2004. Following my requests I started receiving offers from you at a rate of twice a week.
When speaking with a representative of Capital One in February or 2005, I was told that you would honor my request but that it may take a "few cycles" (seven to eight weeks) to remove my name from your list. I thought that would be the end of it. Absolutely not. I am now receiving seven to eight offers a month - all from Capitol One - all with the same offers and contact information. Apparently instead of removing my name from your list it has been duplicated on your list.
I have been very patient since my first request fourteen months ago. However, since you have decided to step up the frequency of your mailings to me my patience has worn thin. You put me on your list in one cycle - you can remove me from your list in one cycle.
I have decided that I now need to resort to other "more creative" measures to get your full attention to this matter. I must thank you for supplying a business reply envelope as it does make sending this to you much easier.
As you can see I have attached your business reply envelope to this heavy 8" x 8" x 16" cinder block for your enjoyment. With enough cinder blocks I'm sure you can make some pretty spiffy shelving for your offices. Please pass along this letter and the cinder block to your marketing department.
Every time you send me an offer I will, in turn, use your business reply envelope to send you a cinder block until you have completely removed me from your system and placed me and my address on a DO NOT MAIL AT ANY FUTURE TIME mail list.
Indeed your envelope states that I may not place anything inside the envelope non related to official Capitol One business - however there is nothing on your business reply envelope stating that I cannot attach the envelope to an object. The U.S. Postal Office agrees and by law they must deliver the package and charge you for the postage. Postage for mailing cinder blocks first class is no doubt very expensive so I thank you for covering the postage.
I'm confident that you will honor my repeated requests and remove me from the cycle immediately - if not you will have the ability to construct a small storage shed.
The choice is yours. Remove me immediately or continue to receive cinder blocks - I have plenty of them that I do not need.
Should you decide that you would rather have cinder blocks I will be quite pleased to start billing you for not only the cinder blocks but also a handling fee for preparing the cinder block for shipment. I charge a very low $75.00 handling fee per shipment. This fee covers my time, cost of the cinder block, drayage of the cinder block, cost of delivery to the post office, and an inconvenience fee for having to process as such. Payment terms: net 30 days. After 30 days a monthly service charge rate, a low 7.9% will be applied.
However, should you wish to send me offers without receiving cinder blocks in return I would be more than happy to work that out with you for a price. I can be retained as a recipient of your offers for a low $300.00 per month.
For this low monthly retainer of $300.00 you may send to me offers up to once a week and be confident that I will take great care in shredding them properly and using the shredded material as packing filler instead of environmentally unfriendly packaging peanuts. This way you can feel good that you are helping the environment as well.
I have enclosed the items that you have sent me and my address for your reference.
AD Bearfort Lodge